The Dodgiest Of Dodgy Dossiers

Michael Owen’s management company, Wesserman Media Group, have compiled a 30 page ‘brochure’ to try to convince potential michael-owen3-300x400suiters to put their money where their treatment table is.

Its hard not to feel even slightly sorry for Owen and it is also hard not to be amazed by the colossal free fall his career has suffered since leaving Liverpool for Real Madrid and ultimately ending up at (sigh) Newcastle United.

In case you are not aware of this document, let me break down the contents for you (i’m not making this up).

Page 1: A stylish front cover

2-3: Overview of 13 years in the game

4-6: Career statistics

7-8: Career Achievements

9: Brand values (I hear Stannah have been looking from a new spokesperson since Thora Hurd died)

10: Global appeal

11-13: Photos (of what God only knows)

14-15: Goalscoring information

16-19: Medical review of the player (needless to say this is the first 3 page section of the brochure)

20-23: Analysis of 2007-08 and 2008-09 seasons (not bedtime reading)

24-28: FAQ’s (When was the last time he stood up on his own? looked value for £120,000 per week? appeared on a crisp packet?)

29: Summary

30: Contact details

Inside the document (and again I must stress I am not making this up) Owen’s representatives describe him as, ‘fit and healthy, good looking and charesmatic’. I will leave you to draw your own conclusions.

Who are likely takers? The front runners at the moment are Aston Villa, Manchester City, West Ham and Everton. But, whether any of these teams will take a punt on the perma-limping munchkin is any ones guess.

It may be time for little Mickey to start looking for alternative employment. He’d have a good crack at Match Of The Day I would imagine and he likes his horses and he’s certainly small enough to be a jockey.

Maybe by some bizarre twist of fate he could become a lookalike and turn up at party’s as a thin Jason Manford (8 out of 10 cats? No? Forget it).


One Response to “The Dodgiest Of Dodgy Dossiers”

  1. Nick,

    Like the website mate, and this article (only one I read). You always where a witty SOB.

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